It feels strange, sometimes, living here. I was born here, more or less, and throughout my life I think some of the most important and formative moments of my life have been here. This place made me and this place has shaped me. Whenever I am lost I always seem to end up back here again. I wonder, am I being molded again, into some new form? I feel like I am. I say it feels strange because, for me, it feels like time stands still here. There is a cocoon like quality for me here; a safety and a stillness and a quiet unlike any other place. I know I won’t stay here forever, because it’s just not my nature or the nature of this place, but I know I’ll come back again when I am weary when I am confused and this place will wrap me up again, soften me and shape me until I’m ready again.
I mentioned I started a garden on the balcony.It’s been coming along nicely, but this is how it started. I had to move the cucumbers at Peach’s urging as she insisted they weren’t getting enough sunlight. (OK, so she was probably right. This is probably the only time I will admit I wasn’t right, enjoy it.) There have been quite a few strawberries already and we are awaiting the ripening of three beefsteak tomatoes. Since I took this photo, we’ve also added some pretty solar lights in the cucumber pot.
This is all part of my wicked plan to be more self sufficient, spend less, waste less. Also part of the plan is the retractable clothesline I will be installing in the next couple of days across the balcony. I’ve also decided to learn to sew. I used to think my knitting was an expensive hobby but as I hurry onward to the completion of my first sweater (it is a sack, but it is a pretty colored sack made with love) I’ve begun to realize that while the materials certainly cost more than something we could have bought at Old Navy, it will probably last much longer. This realization has driven me to decide to learn to sew as well. Plus size clothing is ridiculously overpriced and cheaply made as it is, and don’t even get me started on how hard it is to find something cute and flattering as well.
You know those posts where the blogger just goes on about how busy they’ve been and that’s why they haven’t posted? Yeah, this is one of those. In the last couple months I’ve moved, settled in, signed up for college in the fall, continued getting turned down for jobs, got a worm composter and some plants; not lying, guys, it has been pretty crazy.
I wasn’t actually interested in playing Final Fantasy XIII initially. To be honest, I heard the whole thing about Lightning being a female version of Cloud and didn’t like the sound of it. Why make a female version? So that hetero male gamers won’t have to feel uncomfortable about their love of the spiky haired blond? Then I saw Sazh and took one look at that little chocobo chick nesting in his ‘fro and went, “Oh hell no”. A part of me was excited to see a character of color in the game at all, but another part of me was terrified of that character being nothing but a bad stereotype and having small animals living in his hair didn’t make me feel very confident about the possibilities or the creators’ intentions.*
Still, I felt like I should give the game a chance; at least then I had some leverage to complain about it. Review below will be major spoiler-free but there might be some vague spoilerage.
There are few things in life I dread more than feeling unwelcome. Something I hope none of you will ever experience is feeling unwelcome in your own home. Can you see where this is going … ?
On Saturday, my landlady gave us a notice to vacate the suite in the next 2 months. We have lived here for over 3 years and in that time the rent has only been late once (because I had to take time off from work to go and be with my dad while he was dying) and we have only ever had one complaint from them. So why are we being asked to leave? The landlady wants to take back the suite so she can move her 18-year-old son into the basement …
Walking through the mall yesterday, I glanced into the window at MAC and saw a former co-worker from Starbucks. I hadn’t seen him or heard anything since I left last year. This guy was one of my favorite co-workers. I stood up for him on multiple occasions, both to superiors and customers. Something I wouldn’t do for just anyone.
Still, when I saw him yesterday, I just hurried past. I was thankful he didn’t seem to notice me.
I have an intense fear of being forgotten, which might seem strange given my behavior. But, see, I won’t know if I’ve been forgotten if I don’t say anything.
Maybe even worse than being forgotten, I also worry about making people feel uncomfortable or awkward. This always seems to happen when I run into old acquaintances who, most of the time, pretend they don’t see me unless I shout and wave my arms about like a crazy person. I don’t know what it is about me, but I seem to make people nervous without even trying. I want desperately to speak with these friends again, but I can’t bear the intense anxiety my mere presence seems to provoke.
Old friends can’t even seem to stand me on the Internet to the point that I’ve stopped trying to reach out to them when I stumble across their facebook pages because they never write back. I just stare longingly at my friends’ profile images for a moment, trying to suss out if that is their baby on their lap or not but I don’t dare write to them.
Their uneasiness would make me feel even worse than my ignorance.
I’m still unemployed, but it may not matter for much longer. There is a very, very good chance I’ll be moving back to California with Peach. Why I ever left is beyond me. It’s been an interesting ride here in Canada, but I just don’ t belong here. It’s too weird and so are the people here. All that stuff about Canadians being “so polite” … I don’t know where people get that idea! Sorry, Canucks, but really you’re all just very drunk and/or Mormon.
I’ve been keeping myself busy between job applications (seriously, Vancouver/Canada, WTF? I’ve never had so much trouble getting work!) by lifting weights at home, studying Japanese and watching movies.
You know how you can tell it’s Christmas? I updated twice this week.
Maybe I’m just a Ridley Scott fangirl or maybe I just don’t get enough of the right sort of violence in my media … but I’m actually looking forward to Robin Hood.
But you know what would be even better? A Northlanders movie by this team. If you don’t know what Northlanders is, get the fuck off my blog and don’t come back until you do.
Got a job and then quit it. Owner was a douche who didn’t like paying overtime or stat holiday pay — and then fired the only decent person within the company for taking a piss. Hello. Wut? Taking this butt to the government. Oh, did I mention he couldn’t even fire the person attached to the bladder in question in person? No, he had another manager FAX A LETTER. Douche.
Am totally addicted to DS Zelda games. God help me. But seriously, though, how do I get this stupid Dark Ore to my lover Linebeck III without that stupid Rocktite kicking my ass? I suck at this mini-quest.
Got my wisdom teeth out. Muthalicking OW. Do not let me do that again. Ugh.
It’s been coming along nicely, but this is how it started. I had to move the cucumbers at Peach’s urging as she insisted they weren’t getting enough sunlight. (OK, so she was probably right. This is probably the only time I will admit I wasn’t right, enjoy it.) There have been quite a few strawberries already and we are awaiting the ripening of three beefsteak tomatoes. Since I took this photo, we’ve also added some pretty solar lights in the cucumber pot.
